Have you ever stood on a threshold, arm raised to knock, you pause, wondering if you should? Is it an inconvenient time, should you have called first, do you just walk away? In Ireland, it is natural to swing by someone’s house to knock on the door. This is a literal threshold, a crossing over point, an acceptance into someone’s home which is welcoming and sometimes a much-needed reprieve for the door knocker.
Emerging from the COVID-19 pandemic is very much like a threshold. Everyone experienced it, but in different ways. For me, experiencing the pandemic was inconvenient, but manageable or so I thought. While keeping up with the news, remotely working, not seeing loved ones, I figured I could cope with anything.
However, in these weeks of re-opening and going back to “normal” I have had time to reflect. Like many others I’m sure that even though I thought I was doing ok, I was challenged and inexplicitly changed during the last 15 months.
Every event I attend, there is an inner dialogue getting me there. I would prefer to curl up on my sofa rather than put myself out there. I am vaccinated, but I realize I am still nervous to wade too far into social affairs.
Over the last few weeks, and admittedly months, I have had my struggles. Likely mild compared to others as I am aware many have fared worse. However, for me the struggle was real and I’m acknowledging that even though we are going back to “normal,” I am struggling still. I am foot shuffling on that threshold, trying to regain my foothold. I am examining all that has changed for me and all that I have gained and lost during the pandemic.
I truly can’t pinpoint when I lost the things I love. Reading, writing, being with friends and family have all been impacted by the pandemic. I have lost my mojo. I’ve always been an avid reader and logged everything I’ve read since 2003. Halfway through 2021, I have literally read only one book and adjusted and readjusted my reading challenge, which even now I won’t likely meet. I miss it and I am trying hard to get reading groove back.
Likewise, I have struggled with my writing, but I kept the U.S. postal service in business, sending cards and postcards to love ones, friends, and acquaintances because I wanted to keep the connection, but it was all the writing I could manage. I am blessed by those who joined me on this endeavor. It was the one normal thing I could hold onto and look forward to.
Although I missed gathering with friends and traveling to visit and spend time with family, I tried to make connections in other ways, but it was not always successful and sometimes felt more like hard work than spending quality time with loved ones. Yet once I was logged on, I always enjoyed seeing them and catching up. The pandemic gave me a greater appreciation of time spent with others.
So, in this post pandemic supposedly “normal” time I am trying to rake back those things I have lost but haven’t acknowledged until now. I have come to a point where I can take a deep cleansing breath and assess what I need to do. I am working towards becoming me again and hoping that when I approach that door, I will knock, cross the threshold, and embrace all the world has got to offer.
I am a work in progress.
